Accepting God’s mercy after abortion

“Everyone looked down…no one made eye contact…some women were crying…”

It was the identical memory from seven different women across time and space from inside the walls of abortion facilities. The pain, even several decades later, surfaced along with their tears as they shared their stories as part of the “From Grief to Grace” panel sponsored by Collegiates for Life at the University of Mary on Nov. 30.

Jody Clemens, a pro-life advocate, facilitated the panel as part of PALs (Post Abortive Ladies). She addressed the audience that filled the 210-seat Butler Auditorium.

“Each one of us has walked through the doors of an abortion facility at some point and ended the life of our unborn child. The act of abortion that we thought was going to solve a problem or save a relationship or preserve a career, started us down a long path of self-destructive behavior, emotional distress and spiritual confusion. While each of us has our own story, we chose to weave our stories together to share with others a side of abortion that is rarely heard.”

Clemens pointed out to the audience, “There is an estimated one million abortions a year—3,000 a day. That means that three thousand women woke up today and planned to have an abortion. One in four women have had an abortion by the age of 45. It has touched everyone in some way. I guarantee, you do know someone who has had an abortion, but you may not know it. It’s one of our deep, dark secrets. We’ve chosen not to be silent anymore.”  

The women who spanned two generations, had all experienced healing through accepting God’s mercy after years of hiding the pain and engaging in self-destructive behavior. “You are going to hear trauma, trauma, trauma,” Clemens said.

Their stories

At the time of their abortions, the women ranged from high-achieving students in college and high school—one had sex only that one time— a single mom returning to college, a single schoolteacher and a married Catholic mother who rejoiced at her third pregnancy until her husband demanded that their child be aborted.

Not all the women were pressured by the father of their baby, but all the women felt they had no choice for a variety of reasons including school, career, not wanting to be tethered to a man she didn’t want to marry and not wanting to reveal their lifestyle choices to others. 

“I had fought for abortion in college but said I would never have one myself,” one woman shared. “I loved my two children. My first thought was that I’ll be a single mom of three children, but I was in school and already so busy. In my mind, I needed the support of a certain person and that person said, ‘You’ll need to have an abortion.’ It floored me. I was not expecting that answer.”

Clemens’ own story included being very sick and learning from her doctor that it was because she was pregnant. “But you do know that you can have an abortion,” he told her. It was the only advice she received from those around her whom she trusted.

“It’s either your baby or your future, but you can’t have both, was the message,” Clemens said. “I was told I would get over it and my life would return to normal. We all wanted to return to our pre-pregnancy life.”

Clemens said she does not blame individuals for encouraging irresponsible life choices, but she told the audience to look for ways to offer support. “You have the power in your tongue to save a life; not just one life but two lives,” she said. “I heard words of death as did all the women here. She also noted that people expressing disgust at women who have had abortions, often don’t realize that there are women hearing that who feel further self-loathing and bury their secret ever deeper. But keeping the secret prevents healing,” Clemens explained.

Inside the abortion facilities, doctors and staff were impatient or indifferent such as the case of one doctor who paused because one woman was crying so hard. “Are you sure you want to go through with this?” he asked. “There’s no other way,” the woman had answered. So, he proceeded.

One woman reported a very cheerful lady at the front desk which seemed very out of place amid the cold, darkness that reached into the souls of the women staring at the floor in shame. Their hearts were not really convinced that their babies were just blobs of tissue. Ultrasounds are used to determine the age of the babies that directs the method of abortion, but no one was shown the images. One abortionist was an infertility specialist by day—helping women to have babies—and by night, aborted them.

One of the women had a chemical abortion. She experienced excruciating pain and sickness for five days. Before collapsing on the floor, she glimpsed the eyes of her dead baby as it was flushed down the toilet. She was told that once she took the first of the two pills, there was no going back, but later learned that was a lie.

“There’s a treatment that can reverse the process if administered in 24-48 hours,” she said.

Several women mentioned wanting to get quickly past pro-life advocates praying outside the facility. One saw a priest. “He looked at me with an intense sadness and love,” she said. “I could feel how he felt for me. Instead of saying anything, he just knelt down and prayed.”

The aftermath

After their abortions, the women did not get their old lives back. Clemens had thought: If there is a God in heaven, we must be exempt from grace. We had crossed the line. The enemy, the father of lies had told us abortion was harmless, but now, the enemy was shouting to us, “Unforgivable!”

The women became self-destructive, easily angered, depressed, suicidal and one, as a new mother, wouldn’t let her baby out of her sight for two years, fearing she would lose him.

The married woman with a three- and four-year-old at home shared, “I kept waiting for a way out. Sitting in the facility, I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. I was told, ‘Honey, if you don’t stop crying, the doctor is not going to be able to do this for you today.’ I took the deepest breath I ever took and kept it until my little boy or girl met their appointment of death.
 
“I was living a married life in the Catholic Church and had promised to love and accept children. Now, I was going home to live a lie. The next morning, the kids came running in, ‘Mommy, mommy!’ I thought, you kids don’t even know. You have a different mommy. I kept it secret for 17 years. It’s painful even now, 30 years later.”

Some of the women later married and kept the abortion secret from their spouses for many years. Ten years into her marriage, Clemens told of watching evangelist Billy Graham on TV. She heard, “Jesus didn’t come for the healthy, but for those who are sick and in need of a physician.”

“God, if that is true, then save me because I am one sick woman,” Clemens prayed. She experienced God’s grace in a deeply powerful moment. “God started healing my broken soul…. I started reading the Bible and then God said, ‘Now go and tell.’

“I told my husband. It was the first time I ever experienced the love of Christ through another person. Then I had to tell my four kids. I sat them around the kitchen table. “Before I had you and before I knew God, I had an abortion,” she told them. “One by one, they came up and kissed me on the cheek and said, ‘I love you.’”

Turning to God, began the healing. One woman told of attending a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat which helps to rebuild and redeem hearts broken by abortion. 

“We are broken women, but we have breathed in the breath of God,” Clemens said. “We have breathed in the blood of the Lamb…. This is why He came, for people like us. We exchanged our grief for God’s grace. When we gave our lives to Christ, we received God’s grace…. We are women who are restored completely.”

The presentation ended with one of the women singing in a soft, beautiful voice, Amazing Grace, “I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see…”

Clemens has facilitated PALs panels throughout North Dakota and Minnesota to over 160,000 people. To contact Jody Clemens, email [email protected].

For women who began a chemical abortion and regret the decision, you may still be able to save your pregnancy, but time is crucial. Call the 24/7 abortion pill reversal hotline at 877-558-0333 or visit abortionpillreversal.com to speak to a live representative.