As a barnyard chicken strutted around in doll cloths, Melody (Mel) Vetter and Marie Weigel giggled at their handiwork. They were third cousins and childhood friends, growing up four miles from each other in rural Napoleon on cattle and grain farms. Jumping on a horse or a bike was their mode of transportation on Sunday afternoons to get to one another’s house.
Years later, Mel married Mike Haider and moved to Bismarck and Marie married Dan Vetter and they farm in the Linton area. The cousins lost touch with each other but always treasured their shared childhood memories. As their lives unfolded, however, both were to share an experience they never could have imagined: A doctor’s suggestion to end the lives of their unborn babies.
Bishop Austin Vetter in the Diocese of Helena, Montana is a relative to them both. He is Dan’s youngest brother (of 12 children) and a cousin to Mel. As a priest in the Bismarck Diocese, he was a big spiritual support to both couples during their difficult times.
Mike and Mel
Twenty-six years ago, after an ultrasound, Mike and Mel’s doctor informed them that their baby had spina bifida and would likely never walk. The young newlyweds were devastated. They held each other and wept.
A specialist at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. determined that the baby’s head was filled with fluid and there was no discernable brain. “After the specialist contacted our primary physician, he recommended terminating the pregnancy,” Mel explained. “He told us, ‘If you were to contact 10 of the best doctors in the world, they would all suggest ending this pregnancy.’”
They were scheduled for an induced birth in Fargo. “In our fear, our minds had not sorted through the decision,” Mel explained. “When my mother asked if the Catholic Church would allow us to have a funeral for the baby, it perplexed me. I called my cousin, Fr. Austin Vetter. He came over right away.”
“’Melody, you are talking about having an abortion,” he told her. He talked about God being the giver of life and that He alone had the right to end it.
“He said we would all be praying for a miracle but either way, our baby should live or die according to God’s will,” Mel said of Fr. Austin’s advice. “His caring and reasoned words cut through our fear. We cancelled our appointment less than 24 hours before our baby’s life was scheduled to end. With our decision to hand everything over to God, we gave Him not just our unborn baby, but our entire beings. Mike and I suddenly understood our total dependence on God.”
That evening, Father Vetter said Mass at their apartment with other family present, too. “Surrounded by our loving, faith-filled family, a spiritual aura of peace and strength covered us,” Mel said.
Yet, the medical news kept getting worse with more physical problems expected. At one point, all movement ceased for a couple of days, so they thought their baby had died. When her heartbeat came through loud and clear on the heart monitor, Mel and Mike felt as if they had a second chance to love their daughter. They prayed for healing, but also to accept God’s will.
Mel thought of Mary who said “yes” to God’s plan to be the mother of His son. “God had a plan for her, and He had a plan for us too,” she said. “I abandoned my fear and was filled with trust. The initial glow that once filled me, returned. Mike, too, caught the excitement.”
When Hailey Christina was born by C-section, she had an opening in her back, but it was not nearly as bad as expected. “I was wheeled to the nursery and heard her beautiful cries—the ones we were told she would be unable to make,” Mel said.
Hailey was quickly baptized and then taken into a four-hour surgery to close the hole. It was uncertain what her brain development was. “At that point, Mike and I loved her so much, we wanted her no matter what,” Mel said. A week later, a shunt was placed in her head to remove the fluid.
“One night while I was rocking Hailey, God spoke clearly to my heart,” Mel explained. “He let me know that Hailey was healed according to His plan. Her spina bifida was a blessing that would keep our family close to God. Mike and I would thank God for each milestone rather than take them for granted, and we would remain aware of our dependence on our Heavenly Father.”
When Hailey was one year old, she began walking with crutches and started talking. She did have learning challenges and there were medical scares including four years ago when she almost died after a surgery. “But each challenge has shown us more of what God can do,” Mel said. “If someone would have told me all the ways we would be blessed by this, I would not have believed it. But, we have experienced it.”
Mel and Mike’s son Jayden was born three years after Hailey. He is 23 now and married to Mariah (Weigel). Hailey, 26, married Trent Hoffman at Cathedral of the Holy Spirit on May 10, 2019.
Marie and Dan
In 1994, at 13 weeks into the pregnancy, an ultra-sound revealed that the brain of Dan and Marie’s third baby was not developing. They had two other children, John and Renae; four and two years old. Where there should have been gray-colored matter, there were black circles.
A second ultrasound with a specialist showed “bilateral frontal atrophy”—no brain development. The specialist explained that women often miscarry in this situation but if not, the baby would probably not survive past six months. Termination of the pregnancy was presented as an option. Dan and Marie were filled with fear, but also resolved that whatever the outcome, God had given them this baby to love and care for. “We kept asking God for a healthy baby, but we also asked Him to give us strength for whatever lie ahead,” Marie explained. “The first few weeks were emotionally agonizing. I couldn’t sleep at night, I was so sad and scared.”
Gradually, fear evolved into acceptance. Marie began praying, “God, I know you will take care of this child. And, if I can’t be my baby’s mother on earth, the Blessed Mother will be his mother in heaven.”
A month before the due date, a third ultrasound showed no change, but Marie was unexpectedly filled with joy. “It was as if an angel had come down from heaven and let me know he would be okay,” she said. Still, the ultrasound showed the same results. Undeterred by scientific reality, Marie went home ecstatic. “I felt so sure that our baby was going to be fine. My enthusiasm rubbed off on Dan, but still, he was cautious.”
Three weeks later, Marie went into labor. Robert Daniel entered the world with a loud, healthy wail, surprising everyone. He was not supposed to realize he had just been born. His piercing screams continued until he was placed in Marie’s arms. Then, Robert immediately quieted and gazed into her eyes. “When he did that, I was the one who cried,” Marie said.
Robert passed the standard APGAR test with flying colors. The specialist did an ultra-sound on his brain and announced with disbelief, “This baby is fine.” By now even the nurses were crying.
Dan and Marie were convinced that Robert had been miraculously healed. He grew into a happy, active teenager, but there was hardship yet to come. On September 7, 2008, a couple weeks before his 14th birthday, Robert was riding dirt bikes with friends. They all wore helmets, but when Robert collided with one of the boys, a head injury took his life.
It was an indescribable shock for Marie and Dan and his three siblings; John was a senior in high school, Renae a sophomore, and Katherine a sixth grader. At his funeral, the church overflowed. Father Austin Vetter, Robert’s uncle, said the Mass. “Dan and Marie said yes to God when they thought their baby was going to be severely handicapped,” he stated during the homily. “And, if God had told them they would only have their son for 14 years, they would have still said ‘yes.’”
Yet, the whole family deeply grieved the loss of their beloved, fun-loving Robert. “Sometimes the pain is so bad when you lose a child, that every breath is painful,” Marie said. “I prayed a lot to Mary. I knew she understood because she herself went through it. Watching our children was so hard. We were there for them, but could not take their pain away.”
Marie and Dan had always wanted more children but were never able to have any more. “The yearning for another child became intense after God called Robert home,” Marie said. She did not just ask God for another baby now, she also asked Robert to ask God. He had always wanted a little brother.
One year to the date of his death, Marie learned she was pregnant. “I told our children on his birthday, Sept 29,” Marie said. “The news was a huge gift. A new hope and joy returned to our house.”
Michael Robert was born on April 25, 2010. He was diagnosed with hydrocephalus at one year old and had a shunt put in. “Instead of Robert, it was Michael having the brain problems,” Marie said. But he’s doing well and keeping up in his third-grade class.
“Michael has brought us so much hope, faith and love,” Marie said. “Out of the sorrow and suffering came a new depth of joy. What we have, cannot be explained or taught, but just experienced. Through all this, our faith became so real.”
Two families connected by blood, share a common bond of choosing life when doctors told them it wasn’t possible. Guided by prayer, their hearts were open to welcoming their children, no matter the health challenges that might accompany them.
Of note, Mel’s story was first shared in
Amazing Grace for Families and Marie’s story was in
Amazing Grace for a Catholic Heart, books co-written by Patti Armstrong.