Do I have to obey my father and my mother even when I’m an adult?

Some might wonder if this commandment applies throughout all of life. This is something that I am sure crosses all our adult minds at one point or another. After all, were we all taught as children that we must always obey our parents and that it is a sin to disobey them (assuming that they haven’t commanded us to sin)?

Certainly, we can all agree that when our mothers told us to do our chores as children that we had a moral obligation to get our chores done, right?  But what about when I’m an adult? If a mother or father commands their 10-year-old son to do something, he must do it. But what if that same child is now 40 years old?

Actually, the question as framed in the title of this article is a bit misleading. The fourth commandment doesn’t say “Obey your father and your mother,” it says, “Honor your father and your mother.” The obligations of this commandment are different for adolescent children and adult children.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church is informative on this point: “As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. ‘Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord’” (CCC 2217).  It goes on to say, “obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them.”

Put in simple terms: as long as a child lives in his parents’ home, he must obey them. When he leaves the home, he no longer owes them obedience. Whether he lives at home or not, he always owes them respect. The Catechism then goes on to say that the fourth commandment reminds adult children of their responsibilities towards their parents namely “material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, and distress,” as much as they can (CCC 2218).

On this point, I can’t help but think of the examples of my own parents towards my grandmothers (one was widowed for over 30 years before her death, and the other has been widowed now for over 13 years). My mother was always sure that my grandma was taken care of and visited her often, especially when she moved into assisted living, and was by her bedside when she died (at the very end of her life, she wanted at least one of her children by her side). On the other hand, my dad visits my other grandma frequently as well, makes sure she makes it to doctor’s appointments, and has her stuff in order. She once told me, “I don’t know what I would do without Michael” (my dad). Dad, if you’re reading this, yes, she actually said that. 

I bring up the examples of my parents because I think they serve as good models of how we are to honor our father and our mother when we are adults. After all, our parents brought us into this world, and for that we owe them our respect.