Is talking about someone who is not present to the conversation sinful?

My friends and I love to chat! Sometimes we talk about others. Is talking about someone who is not present to the conversation sinful?

One joke a group of friends of mine like to play on each other when one of us leaves a party early is to quip, “Ah! You’re leaving? Good, now we can talk about you!”
The friendly jab can incite a good round of laughter in the light of the fact that their parting brings such sweet sorrow. Friends know that talking behind the back of one who is not present is contrary to that person’s dignity as well as the integrity of the group. It is something true friends simply would never do.

While conversation about others is not bad, talking about them behind their back is. How important is it to know the difference? Our Lord gives us wonderful light to help discern the difference.

In the 8th Commandment, He tells us: “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” In our conversations with others we must not speak that which is false. The Church sees in this commandment an admonition against lies of all kinds, no matter how “white” we imagine they may be. But, not only are we precluded from speaking words that are untrue, we are equally prohibited from speaking things that are true that should not be said. In other words, there are things we know to be true that should not be said in public conversation because, to do so, would be contrary to charity and justice. The most obvious example of this would be a priest’s duty to never talk about what he has heard in the confessional.

During the WW2 era, as the United States attempted to thwart the possibility of Nazi espionage, our country’s leaders coined this phrase: “loose lips sink ships.” The old adage warned the populace that gossip at home could ultimately further the war and put the lives of service men and woman at great risk. It pointed the people in the right direction if they were tempted to gossip about friends or foes; the consequences could be dire.

Neither my neighbor’s offense nor my ensuing hurt can justify my decision to gossip. Gossip most certainly leads to a further injustice. The critical moral decision in conversation of choosing to speak or to remain silent, can be difficult waters to navigate. The following three definitions from the Catechism’s explanation of the 8th Commandment has helped numerous members of the faithful peacefully cross the treacherous moral waters of gossip. They are:

• Rash judgement: To assume as true, even tacitly, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor.
• Detraction: Disclosing another's faults and failings, without objectively valid reason, to persons who did not know them.
• Calumny: Harming the reputation of others by remarks contrary to the truth, and giving occasion for false judgments concerning them

In addition to these clarifications, let us also take to heart these encouraging words from St. Paul to the Ephesians, “Never let evil talk pass your lips; say only the good things men need to hear, things that will really help them. Do nothing that will sadden the Holy Spirit with whom you were sealed against the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, all passion and anger, harsh words, slander, and malice of every kind. In place of these, be kind to one another, compassionate, and mutually forgiving, just as God has forgiven you in Christ.”

Now that’s what I’m talking about! May Our Blessed Mother intercede for us, that we may always speak the truth with great love in all our conversations.

Fr. John Paul Gardner is parochial vicar at the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit in Bismarck.  If you have a question you were afraid to ask, now is the time to ask it! Simply email your question to info@bismarckdiocese.com with the “Question Afraid to Ask” in the subject line.