Why can’t I make keepsake jewelry out of my relative’s ashes?

When someone we love dies, the finality of death is overwhelming, as is the reality that we have to learn a new way of living without them. At times, it is too much to bear, so we try to hold onto our loved ones and never let them go by keeping their ashes near to us. We believe this will bring consolation and peace, but deep down we know that it does not honor the dead nor help us in the grieving process. Only a proper dignified Christian burial can provide for both of these realities.

Christians continued the pious Jewish tradition of honoring the dead by offering them a proper burial. In the Gospels, the evangelists referenced a number of burials, such as that of John the Baptist, Lazarus and, most importantly, the burial of Jesus Christ in the sepulcher near Mount Calvary. The burial of our Lord was done with great solemnity, with provisions made for the proper washing of the body and its anointing with burial spices. The early Christian community offered this same dignity to their dead, through the establishment of numerous Christian catacombs on the periphery of Rome. Contemporary historical lore asserts that these catacombs provided a place for Christians to “hide” in times of persecution, but they were instead places of burial and also places where they came to pray and offer the Holy Mass for the salvation of their departed loved ones.

But why the emphasis on burying our dead? Because Christians have always had a great respect for the human body. We believe the body is sacred, because it was created by God as an act of pure love; it was washed in the sacred waters of baptism; and it was nourished time and time again by the sacred gift of the Holy Eucharist. The body is indeed holy, which is why Jesus never discarded His human body upon His death and Resurrection, but lifted it up to the glory of heaven, where His sacred body (His humanity) is forever united to His divinity. To make jewelry out of the ashes of our loved ones, to scatter them on the waters or on the land, or to keep them on the mantle of the living room is not in line with Christian tradition. It demeans the body, for it treats it like a mere commodity, to be used and manipulated in ways to bring some degree of consolation. We must instead bury our dead, because in doing so, we are honoring them, the temple of God’s dwelling that they were on earth. We are also making a statement of profound faith and hope: my loved one, buried like Christ, is also called to share in His Resurrection. Love demands that we let the faithful departed go in peace, knowing that we will see them again in the glory of God’s Kingdom.

In burying the dead, we also allow for ourselves another measure of consolation in the midst of the sadness and sorrow of death. Whether the ashes of the deceased were scattered immediately after death or years later because living descendants did not want to be “bothered” as custodians of them any longer, we deny ourselves something very important in the grieving process: a specific place to pray for the faithful departed. When we visit a cemetery, we come to the very place where our loved ones are buried and await the second coming of Christ. A grave in a cemetery is a hallowed place to mourn; to remember blessed memories of our loved ones; to pray for them and to ask for their prayers for us; to ask for forgiveness; and to tell them how much they are missed and forever loved. There is something profound about coming to a precise place where we honor our departed loved ones. A body of water or a prairie landscape is too vast and impersonal of a space to seek spiritual communion with those who have gone before us in death. I know that when I come to the graves of my dear parents, there is a closeness and intimacy that assists in the grieving process. I can always come back to this sacred place, where tears of sadness in loss slowly give way to tears of joy in hope of their salvation.

Loving someone means, at times, that we have to let them go. Don’t believe that holding onto the ashes of our loved ones will somehow assist you in the grieving process. In fact, it only prolongs it, because deep down, you know that you are denying them the dignity of a proper burial and are also denying yourself a serene place to pray for them. Entrust your loved ones into the loving arms of God through the corporal work of mercy of burying the dead. The Lord will reward you for this by holding you in His loving arms as well, close to His heart, as He consoles and reminds you that you will see your loved ones again, because He has conquered death.

Fr. Benz is pastor at Sacred Heart, Glen Ullin, St. Ann, Hebron, and St. Joseph, Grant County. If you have a question you were afraid to ask, now is the time to ask it! Simply email your question to info@bismarckdiocese.com with the “Question Afraid to Ask” in the subject line.